Hell Hole

Ok s0o0o0o life sucks beyond belief. Robert has a new girlfriend now, and supposidly they have already screwed on his four-wheeler! OMG...and he said I was easy! WTF is that all about. They have been together what a month maybe two and they already screwed. So please tell me how the fuck I am easy! I at least was in love with the guy before I made love with him. I mean damn I am still in love with him and I always will be. I mean he was my first for alot of things and I wanted him to be my last. Ya know. He made me feel like nobody in the entire world ever had. Now I just don't know what to think anymore. He said I fucked him over, how I did that I have no fucking clue! Where ever he gets his information, I dunno, but I know it's all wrong. And he is believing it! It's killing me! He said I'm a poor ass just because I might not be able to go to college and because I work at a dead end job! That hurt me s0o0o much and he don't even know it. Sometimes love hurts I know, but I didn't know it hurt this fucking much! I still love him though, I'm suppose to hate him for breaking my heart and leaving me alone and broken, but I can't! I know I should move on, but everytime I try I end up back where I started....Missing him! And than when I am about to give up...Hope and Faith whispers in my ear to try again! It's like this never ending cycle. If only he would talk to me, if only he would see how much he means to me. I would do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING in this world to get him back. But that is something I doubt will ever happen now. He loves her now and not me, and I have to be strong. But I can't no matter how hard I try. My walls are all about to come crashing down and Im going to go down with them. He doesn't get it....I'd rather be dead than have to live without him for the rest of my life. What hurts is knowing that he was once mine and I had him all to me and nobody else. And now some other girl gets to hold my entire world in her arms, and stay up endless hours at night on the phone with him. Thats my job. I was suppose to be with him forever and ever. Now I'm just another mistake in his book and I will be frowned apoun from now on. I can't even be his friend, because if I talk to him and I don't need anything than he will never talk to me again! That is not how friends work. I can't be friends with somebody I am totally and completely head over heels in love with! Because the pain of knowing they have someone else is s0o0o000o hurtful! My heart is shattered and in pieces. And I dunno if it can ever be whole again. He's made it s0o0o0o0o hard to trust men. He was suppose to be different! He was different, until just recently! I know I know, I should just accept that he's moved on and his happy again. But I CAN'T!! I tried a million times and counting! I thought this year would be great...Being a senior and all, and not having to see Robert at school, but it's terrible. Everybody ask me how Robert and I are, and I have to say that we aren't together...Another reason to look at how much my world has fallen apart since last spring! He meant everything to me and he still does. I wish I could just move on with my life. Even with Josh things were still hell...Because I was not completely over Robert. I mean I'd still bawl myself to bed at night knowing I lost the greatest person in the world. And I still do. I mean he gave me reason to exsit. I don't think I really ever lived before him. I was a totally different person when I was with him. Nothing else or aybody else in the world mattered. We had the best times just sittin on my bed talking or watever. It was still the best because it was with him, and nobody could understand, but I guess they dont love him like I do. People ask me what I see in him, and I can't explain it, because love has no words or explaination! And nobody sees that. He said he could of given me everything in the world that I wanted, but all I really wanted was his heart and love. But I couldn't even get that one. If I choose to walk away, I know I would be right back where I started and run back to all of this. I would do it all over with him, even though I know it would end in heartache and pain. I would do it, because for like the time being I was happy and content with my life. I bent until I broke. And now I'm doing it again. I dunno what to do here. I'm falling apart piece by piece a little at a time and he doesn't even care! I am suppose to be getting my damn life back on track this year not let it fall apart again, but what am I suppose to do, it sit back and watch it it all come to a crash and fall the fuck apart? I don't think so. I've done enough of that, and trust me that shit hurts. I want him back s0o0o0 bad and he won't let it happen. He's the one who said he didn't want a realationship right now because he didn't have the time for it. And now he has her. He told me all summer he didn't want a girlfriend and now all of a sudden he does! He doesn't even love me or miss me. It's hopeless. And than my damn dream didn't help, it just added to my sadness. It was about him, and how much he loved me and wanted to marry me and spend forever with me. Something I highly doubt will ever come true. I swear everytime I think I have the perfect guy and everything is perfect it all comes to an end like no other and I am hurt like no other! What did I do to deserve it??!!?! I'm s0o0o0oo0o in love and I can't help it. I'm listening to my heart, and what it's telling me to not give up and have hope still, but it is killing me to do that. I don't know if I will ever love anybody again. I mean not like I love him. I don't want anybody else. Just Robert and Robert ONLY. That is how it was all suppose to be, but no. He said it's my fault. How is it my fault I really want to know. All I ever did was care about him, and love him endlessly. But now he doesn't notice me. I guess I'm not beautiful to him anymore, which makes me not feel beautiful at all anymore. I wanna give up, but I can't! Imma go. Bye guys. I love you all! Imma go get some ice cream....This is s0o0oo an ice cream time anyways. Bye!